walking alone

I have been struggling for months with this. And I have to put it out there to deal with it. One of my very best friends walked out on me last year. I need her. I have needed her ears and her understand and her laughter. We have known each other since I was 16. A VERY LONG TIME! She walked out on me. She was the only friend that I specifically called to tell when I was diagnosed with leukemia. She cried. I cried. We cried together. I wasn't alone. But that was it. There hasn't been a  close connection between us since. I know she is busy. She had recently returned to work after being a stay at home mom. She has 4 kids. Her husband is going to school and working nights. But it has been over a year since I have talked to her on the phone. I have called and text. I sent emails. No luck. She wrote me off. And of course, I blame myself. If only I hadn't called her when I was diagnosed. I know my diagnosis hurt a lot of people. I think the hurt is too much for her. I think she had to withdraw to protect herself from the pain in case I didn't make it through this journey.
I feel all sorts of emotions. I am sad that we no longer talk. I am angry because I needed her friendship. I am confused because I don't understand why she isn't here with me to support me and be there for me.
This situation has made me build up a wall that I had taken down. Friends hurt. And even though I feel that pain, I do hope that one day I will be able to trust and have a wonderful friend like her again.

#6 (a little late)

Today, I am thankful for my mistakes. If it weren't for all of the mistakes I have made, I wouldn't be who I am today. We all need to make mistakes. It is the only way to learn and grow as a person. There has been a lesson learned from every mistake I have made, whether it is deemed large or small. And for those lessons, I am thankful. I can now pass on this knowledge to my children.

#5

Today I am thankful for the gift of being the parent to 4 wonderful kids. I really do feel it is a gift. I was chosen to be their mom. I feel very grateful and blessed. They make me smile and laugh every day. They remind me to be young. I cherish every moment of watching them grow. I am thankful I get to be their mom.

#4

Today,  I am thankful for 2nd chances. Everyone deserves them, right? I am so thankful for mine. And I am not planning on wasting it. I am trying to live everyday to the fullest. Whatever that is for that day. Sometimes, it is snuggling on the couch with my loved ones. Others is it trying to pay it forward some how. I am thankful for 2nd chances.

#3

Today, I am thankful for this beautiful day. The sunshine and the warm weather did wonders for me today. The kids got outside and played in the fresh air. I feel blessed to have been able to warm my skin in the sun.

#2

I just made it. It is 11:59 on Nov 6th. Today, I am thankful for husband. He is the most hardworking man I know. Today wasn't one of my best days. I am tired and crabby. He was patient and kind. He is my rock. When I feel my world crumbling around me, I know he will be there, supporting me. I wouldn't have the life that I have today if it wasn't for him. I am thankful that he loves me. And thankful that he loves me for who I am. The good, the bad and the ugly.

This has been one heck of a week. I feel like I am being pulled in 85 different directions and am getting no where. Ever feel like that? Where you sit down at the end of your day and reflect on what you have accomplished and then you realize that you can't come up with anything?! How can that be? I know that I was super busy all day.
The babe started indoor soccer this week. The boy started wrestling. We had school functions and play dates. I shouldn't complain. I do enjoy being busy, I just wish the laundry fairy and the bathroom cleaning fairy....heck, the WHOLE HOUSE cleaning fairy would show up and help me out.

Our Thanksgiving plans have changed. This is a big deal this year. Usually, we head north to the husband's parents house. But this year, since my parent's just purchased a new home south, we thought we would head there. We had it planned and then as I was going through our finances the other day, I realized we don't really have the funds to go ANYWHERE! Plus, husband has to work on the Friday after Thanksgiving this year AND the babe has 2 indoor soccer games that weekend. I know my mom is disappointed. But is it wrong to stay home and start our own traditions? I am completely torn. There is the option of me and the little one's heading south and the husband and the babe staying here. I am really not liking that idea. I want to be with my family on Thanksgiving.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I have decided to say what I am thankful for everyday until the Holiday. I have a lot to be thankful for, that is for sure.

I will start now.

Today, I am thankful for my mom. She gave me life. And tought me values and morals. I didn't understand all of it until I became a mother myself. I am thankful that she did. THANKS MOM!!!

Skip to my lou

There has to be something to the way kids act. As adults, I think we should pay more attention to them. Kids can teach us many lessons.
Take for example, bugs-a-boo. She never "walks" anywhere. It isn't that she is running, either. She is usually skipping or galloping unless she is in a very big hurry then she runs. But she always seems happy. Skipping through the grocery story. Galloping to the bathroom. Simple tasks turn into fun! I think you would see a lot more happy adults if we skipped through the grocery store. I personally do not like grocery shopping, but I do think it would be much more bearable or maybe even fun if I was skipping!

My boy on the other hand, well he is usually running. But his running serves a purpose. He has to run so that he can jump over whatever it is he is thinking is a mountain or a swamp of alligators. Acutally he is probably pretending to be on a dirt bike and is jumping over the obstacles. But he always seems happy running around, off in his own little world.  Adults should take time to do this more often. What a great way to relieve stress!

If you see me in the grocery store, don't think that I have gone crazy....JOIN me!

Are we high?

This is a question that was asked of me by bugs-a-boo on the way to her pumpkin patch field trip. The first time she asked, I thought I mis-heard her. She asked again several more times before I answered her. I was a little nervous. She does have 3 older siblings, one of whom is a teenager. You never know what they say when I am not around. After some investigation, I discovered that she was asking me if we were on a bridge! "Are we high?". I should have known. The entire conversation was the highlight to my day.
The field trip to the pumpkin patch..well that is another story. We arrived on time at the pumpkin farm. Bugs-a-boo and I found some friends and stood with them waiting to enter. When we entered, I could tell right away that things were not going to go well. We were herded to the area of the farm that contained the port-a-pots. Lovely. Just what I wanted to smell first thing in the morning. We were finally released from the poopy area and were free to wander. I am not very fond of petting zoos and such. I can usually tolerate them if the animals seem to be healthy and happy. And if their exhibits are clean. Needless to say...the animals did not look healthy and the exhibits were definitely NOT clean. It was awful and smelly. We grabbed our free pumpkin and headed out.